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Thursday, January 16, 2014

Mom Math: The Only Math That Matters

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If I were currently a high school senior applying to college there would be no way on God’s green earth I would get in. Anywhere.  I was no dummy, but my “slightly above average” status (earned through hard work, persistence, and the loss of a many years of my father’s life as he sat at the kitchen table helping me “solve for x” when he was pretty sure there was no hope I’d ever be able to do it) yielded a measly 3.5 Grade Point Average, a 4 on the AP Government Test and 1150 on the SAT. My high school academic accomplishments were mildly impressive but nowhere near what is needed to get into college these days.

By the way, when did it become possible to earn a 6.0 GPA?

In my 20+ years post graduation, I have learned that, despite a mediocre performance in high school, one can still be quite successful in the Real World.  Complete a little college, toss in some life experience, get married, produce a few kids and voila! You are suddenly in the running for president of your local Mensa chapter and an Expert in your field of choice.
I am an Expert Mom.  I can successfully perform Expert Mom tasks. I can discuss Expert Mom issues with ease and confidence- whether or not anyone listens is a whole ‘nother story, of course.  I can even pass Expert Mom tests with flying colors. 
Dad, your blood, sweat and tears were not spilled in vain! The excruciating hours spent teaching me how to solve word problems have finally paid off! I am now fully proficient in Mom Math- the only math that matters.

Grab your #2 pencil because I’m about to test my mad Mom Math skillz.

1.      If a Mom has 2 children, each with their own backpack, jacket and lunchbox, and one child also has a report on George Washington that took 7 hours for the mom child to research, write, put together an authentic costume and produce a poster board full of visuals illustrating daily life in the 1700’s, how many school related items will be in the car when she arrives at school?

a.       7

b.      3

c.       14

d.      Cannot be solved because there is no way to predict how many items will be left at home no matter how many times Mom reminds them to grab their stuff.

2.      If a mom says, “Put your shoes on” 27 times in 15 minutes, what is the probability that her children will get their shoes on?

a.       1:3

b.      27:15

c.       15:27

d.      0- No one listens to her anyway

3.      If a mom has to leave the house by 7:30 a.m. to get her children to school on time, what time will she have to begin waking up her children if it takes them 20 minutes to put on 4 items of clothing, 17 minutes to walk down the stairs, 37 minutes to eat breakfast, 19 minutes to brush their teeth, 13 minutes to get into the car and 25 minutes to drive to school?

a.       5:37 a.m.

b.      5:00 a.m.

c.       6:15 a.m.

d.      The night before

4.      If a mom gets the Doctor Recommended 8 hours of sleep per night, eats a well balanced diet, consistently exercises and practices breathing techniques proven to lessen stress levels, how many times per day will she burst into tears without explanation?

a.       0

b.      2

c.       7

d.      Cannot be measured by modern technology

5.      If a mom is driving to the grocery store with 3 kids in the car, traveling at an average of 50 miles per hour for 12 minutes how many times will she yell, “Knock it off! Stop touching each other!” before she arrives at the store?

a.       0

b.      3

c.       4

d.      Enough to ensure everyone is crying by the time she arrives

6.      What percentage represents the number of times a dinner provided by a mom is met with the following response, “Yay! I love that meal!”?

a.       10% of the time

b.      25% of the time

c.       33% of the time

d.      100% of the time if the meal provided is pizza or anything else not prepared at home

7.      If a mom reminds her child to bring home his jacket, every day for 132 days what is the probability he will bring home said jacket?

a.        1:132

b.      5:132

c.       132:132

d.      What jacket?

8.      A woman’s husband has called and said he will not be home for dinner.  Her response is:

a.       Sadness because she loves her husband so much and wants to be with him at all times

b.      Anger because she spent hours preparing a gourmet meal that he and their children are certain to enjoy

c.       Understanding because she knows how hard he works to provide for their family

d.      A fist pump and cheer because now she can serve cereal and chips for dinner!

9.      The relationship between the age of a mother’s children and her weekly consumption of alcohol is

a.       Not related

b.      Mildly related

c.       Strongly related

d.      Identical: 10 year old kid = 10 drinks/week

10.  The average mom feels guilty

a.       When she yells

b.      When she gets frustrated with her children

c.       When she wants time for herself

d.      When she is breathing

Answer Key:
D. Every answer is D.
(Take that “slightly above average”!)

I’m a genius in the things that matter.
That’s just my normal.
 
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23 comments:

Kathy Radigan said...

Finally a math test I passed with flying colors!! Great post!!

Joan Crandall said...

This was such a great post! I was laughing so hard Kent came into the room and asked what I was reading. Hope you had a fun night out pretty momma!

in pursuit said...

That's how I feel Kathy!! It's been a really long time (read: never) since I aced a test full of word problems. Thanks for reading and commenting!
V

in pursuit said...

Ha! I'm glad Kent got to the bottom of the mystery Joan and didn't sit there wondering if you were losing your mind;) Thanks for the read and the comment. And I had a ton of fun last night. Have you been to the PrepKitchen? So cool and GREAT food!
V

Anam Cara said...

Love this! Totally sharing on our page today. www.facebook.com/itsreally10months

Jen@Drinking the Whole Bottle said...

This is just f*cking hysterical. that's all. hysterical.

cellulitelooksbettertan said...

OMG - I think you may be a fly on the wall of my house...like for real. Absolutely love every question...and every correct answer!

Mom Rants and Comfy Pants said...

This was absolutely BRILLIANT!!! I loved everything about it. Well done friend!!

Roshni AaMom said...

LOL!! I answered D for all those!! I believe you made me a Mom genius!! :D

in pursuit said...

Thanks again for sharing Anam!!
V

in pursuit said...

Yay Jen!! I'm glad you got a laugh. That's what we all need on a Friday, right?
V

in pursuit said...

@cellulitelooksbettertan- First of all, you blog title is the BEST!! Second, thanks for reading and I'm glad you got a laugh. I have a feeling most moms can relate, right?
Vicky

in pursuit said...

@MomRants- I love you Penny! Glad you got a Friday giggle! Thanks for reading, commenting and sharing.
V

in pursuit said...

Way to go Roshni!! You're a genius too!!
V

Chris Carter said...

ACED IT!!!!! OHMYGOSH this is SO true and HILARIOUS and BRILLIANT!!! You deserve that 6.0!!!!!

in pursuit said...

A 6.0 Chris? That puts my pathetic 3.5 to shame! Yes!
Vicky

unscriptedmom said...

Vicky, I LOVE this! You are definitely a math whiz! Thanks for the laughs!

Tarana Khan said...

Haha, I wasn't very good at Math either but I totally get this!

Darcy Perdu (So Then Stories) said...

This is HILARIOUS! I love it! I especially love the answer "what jacket?"

in pursuit said...

Thanks Julie! I've never been a math wiz so making my own tests seemed like a good way to make it happen! Thanks for reading and sharing!
V

in pursuit said...

Tarana,
I think we all get better at math when we get older!
Haha!
V

in pursuit said...

Darcy,
You wouldn't believe the amount of blank stares I receive when it comes to those stupid jackets!
V

qwertygirl said...

I got 100%. AND a great laugh out of it! AND I feel better that I'm not the only one whose kids refuse to eat their food! AND that I'm not the only one who bursts into tears over nothing! AND I could go on forever but I'll just say thanks again for the laugh!!

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