By the way, when did it become possible to earn a 6.0 GPA?
In my 20+ years post graduation, I have learned that, despite a mediocre performance in high school, one can still be quite successful in the Real World. Complete a little college, toss in some life experience, get married, produce a few kids and voila! You are suddenly in the running for president of your local Mensa chapter and an Expert in your field of choice.
I am an Expert Mom. I can successfully perform Expert Mom tasks. I can discuss Expert Mom issues with ease and confidence- whether or not anyone listens is a whole ‘nother story, of course. I can even pass Expert Mom tests with flying colors.Dad, your blood, sweat and tears were not spilled in vain! The excruciating hours spent teaching me how to solve word problems have finally paid off! I am now fully proficient in Mom Math- the only math that matters.
Grab your #2 pencil because I’m about to test my mad Mom Math skillz.
1. If a Mom has 2 children, each with their own backpack, jacket and lunchbox, and one child also has a report on George Washington that took 7 hours for the
mom child to research, write, put
together an authentic costume and produce a poster board full of visuals
illustrating daily life in the 1700’s, how many school related items will be in
the car when she arrives at school?
d. Cannot be solved because there is no way to predict how many items will be left at home no matter how many times Mom reminds them to grab their stuff.
2. If a mom says, “Put your shoes on” 27 times in 15 minutes, what is the probability that her children will get their shoes on?
d. 0- No one listens to her anyway
3. If a mom has to leave the house by 7:30 a.m. to get her children to school on time, what time will she have to begin waking up her children if it takes them 20 minutes to put on 4 items of clothing, 17 minutes to walk down the stairs, 37 minutes to eat breakfast, 19 minutes to brush their teeth, 13 minutes to get into the car and 25 minutes to drive to school?
a. 5:37 a.m.
b. 5:00 a.m.
c. 6:15 a.m.
d. The night before
4. If a mom gets the Doctor Recommended 8 hours of sleep per night, eats a well balanced diet, consistently exercises and practices breathing techniques proven to lessen stress levels, how many times per day will she burst into tears without explanation?
d. Cannot be measured by modern technology
5. If a mom is driving to the grocery store with 3 kids in the car, traveling at an average of 50 miles per hour for 12 minutes how many times will she yell, “Knock it off! Stop touching each other!” before she arrives at the store?
d. Enough to ensure everyone is crying by the time she arrives
6. What percentage represents the number of times a dinner provided by a mom is met with the following response, “Yay! I love that meal!”?
a. 10% of the time
b. 25% of the time
c. 33% of the time
d. 100% of the time if the meal provided is pizza or anything else not prepared at home
7. If a mom reminds her child to bring home his jacket, every day for 132 days what is the probability he will bring home said jacket?
d. What jacket?
8. A woman’s husband has called and said he will not be home for dinner. Her response is:
a. Sadness because she loves her husband so much and wants to be with him at all times
b. Anger because she spent hours preparing a gourmet meal that he and their children are certain to enjoy
c. Understanding because she knows how hard he works to provide for their family
d. A fist pump and cheer because now she can serve cereal and chips for dinner!
9. The relationship between the age of a mother’s children and her weekly consumption of alcohol is
a. Not related
b. Mildly related
c. Strongly related
d. Identical: 10 year old kid = 10 drinks/week
10. The average mom feels guilty
a. When she yells
b. When she gets frustrated with her children
c. When she wants time for herself
d. When she is breathing
D. Every answer is D.(Take that “slightly above average”!)
I’m a genius in the things that matter.
That’s just my normal.